


My Littermate, My Littermate, And Me

by ethandiesofdysentery



Category: My Brother My Brother and Me (Podcast), Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Gen, crackfic, dont ask me how cat podcasts exist, this has multiple chapters but ao3 is broken so, warcats au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:28:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25922080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethandiesofdysentery/pseuds/ethandiesofdysentery
Summary: These littermates are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Violetbreeze insists he's a 'med-spert', but if there's a degree in his den…Suggested talking points: Windbreeze - The Sexiest Warrior, The Half-Clan Paradox,
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Windbreeze - The Sexiest Warrior

_These littermates are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Violetbreeze insists he's a 'med-spert', but if there's a degree in his den, I haven't seen it. Also this show isn't for kits, which I mention only so the babies out there know how cool they are for listening._

_What's up, you cool babies?_

BF: Hey everone, welcome to My Littermate, My Littermate, And Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest littermate, Berryfur.

VB: I'm the middlest…let me check my notes…Violetbreeze!

EW: I'm Eaglewing, and Vi, bud, you good? 

VB: Yeah, why?

EW: You seem to forget who you are a lot, and that makes me think I shouldn't be trusting you with my health anymore.

VB: [whispering] Hey, Eaglewing? It's a bit.

BF: Okay, this is going nowhere. New intro.

VB: But I was just going to explain my tragic backstory!

BF: GATHERING WATCH!

EW: Hey, Berryfur, this doesn't seem like it's gonna be very funny either.

BF: Three sunrises until the Gathering, boys! What do you think the leaders will say? What's the hot new goss?

EW: I quit.

VB: Ooh, there was a border skirmish the other day. That'll be fun.

[dead silence]

EW: [from the distance] Great StarClan, I hate this intro.

BF: Careful what you say, Wing! They might be listening!

EW: No they aren't, Berryfur. The great warriors of StarClan would never want to listen to this auditory wasteland which is completely devoid of goofs and jokes. _I_ don't want be here. This is a terrible and not funny show and any StarClan cats who are listening should fuck off and frolick in the eternal sunshine, or whatever it is they do up there.

BF: [wheezing laughter]

VB: Don't say that, Eaglewing! Our dad could be listening!

BF: [through more laughter] Yeah, bud! Our - our dearly departed Waveecho could be - [wheezes] - be listening and we all know how much he hates swearing! [breaks into cackles]

EW: Boys, is it just me, or does our dad have the stupidest fucking name?

BF: [proceeds to choke]

VB: Waveecho? Nah, could be worse. ThunderClan has Stemleaf.

BF: _FUCKING STEMLEAF??_ Hey Stempaw, we're so proud of you for all the super sweet training you did and shit. Anyways, your name is fucking - fucking STEMLEAF?

VB: They also have Twigbranch.

BF: FUCKING WHAT?

EW: Hey did Bramblestar just fucking suck with names or something? This dude was really like "and your warrior name will be Twig - oh fuck. Oh fuck what goes with twig. Twig turn into BRANCH?" 

BF: Stem turn into LEAF? 

EW: I see a trend.

VB: "This is my new son, Seedkit." "Cloudrain, no! He'll just name him Seedplant!"

BF: [wheezing] Allow me to introduce you to our newest warrior, Windbreeze.

EW: Wow. That's so fucking sexy.

VB: Is it?

EW: Hey guys! This is Windbreeze and he FUCKS!

BF: [choking] Oh StarClan! I can't fight this cat! He's just too sexy! We must forfeit all our territory to the almighty _Windbreeze_!

VB: "Darling, whose kits are these?" "They're yours!" "Then why are they all so SEXY like that mate-stealer WINDBREEZE?"

BF: [from the ground] WE CAN'T DATE, DIRTMUD! WE'RE ALL SIBLINGS! ALL THE LADIES WILL ONLY FUCK OUR FATHER, THE ALMIGHTY WINDBREEZE!

EW: [chortling] How about a question, you guys?

BF: Of course, Eaglewing, as long as the powerful and sexy Windbreeze allows it.


	2. The Half-Clan Paradox

VB: Okay, Berryfur, hit us.

BF: 'Hi, everyone. I recently came out to my family as gay.'

VB: Good job!

EW: Fuck yeah you did!

BF: 'The thing is, I phrased it as 'I'm in love with a tom', and now my entire family wants to know who it is. For one, I'm not actually dating him.'

EW: Okay, fake a horrible breakup. Problem solved.

BF: No, no, it's all downhill from here. 'Also, he's from another Clan-'

EW: STOP IT! FUCKING STOP!

VB: Hey, let's keep an open mind.

BF: '…he's his Clan's medicine cat-'

EW: NO! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

BF: '…and his father is Clan leader.'

EW: Hey bud? I don't know what your question is yet, but here's your answer: DON'T. Just DON'T.

BF: 'I am not planning on telling this to my family or even this tom.'

EW: [under breath] Thank fucking StarClan.

BF: 'But I've been thinking. He's half-Clan himself, and my father came from outside the Clans. Does this cancel out? If we're both technically half-Clan, can we be together? Am I good?' That's from Lovesick on the Lake. Fellas, I don't think he's good.

EW: You are NOT fucking good! That's nothing! What you just said is NOTHING!

VB: I don't know, guys. He might have a point.

EW: FUCKING WHAT?

BF: Oh yes, Vi, please do go on.

VB: I mean, is question asker's love interest half the same Clan as he's in? 

EW: [from a slight distance] I hate this family.

VB: Because then you could argue they're from the same Clan.

BF: I see Eaglewing ripping his claws out in the background, so _please_ continue.

VB: If question-asker is in RiverClan, and this tom they like is in WindClan…

BF: Mhm?

VB: But the WindClan cat has a RiverClan mom…

BF: Go on, Vi, you can do it. We believe in you.

VB: They're both RiverClan. So they can legally fuck.

EW: [from a distance] OH SURE! FUCKING SURE! FINLEAP WAS BORN FULL SKYCLAN SO I CAN GO FUCK HIM NOW RIGHT? WHY DOESNT FUCKING JAYFEATHER GO FUCK THE LEADER OF WINDCLAN WHILE WE'RE AT IT! PERFECT! THIS MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!

BF: Interesting, Violetbreeze. I have one issue, though.

EW: ONLY _ONE_?

VB: Sure, what is it?

BF: Let's say two cats are in two different Clans, but they're both half-rogue. Does that cancel out the Clan difference?

VB: Hm. Based on the fact this is about Clan relations, no.

BF: Interesting take.

EW: THAT'S NOT AN INTERESTING TAKE! THAT'S NOT A HOT TAKE! THAT'S A COLD TAKE. THAT'S AN ICE COLD, DEAD OF LEAF-BARE TAKE. MY BLOOD IS FREEZING AS WE SPEAK. CAN WE PLEASE SAY REAL ADVICE NOW?

VB: Sure. Question-asker, listen, you could argue that yes, you both being half-Clan _might_ cancel out.

EW: Yeah, you could, but you shouldn't.

VB: But he's also a medicine cat, and a leader's son. There's no way to justtify that. Sorry, but Eaglewing was right earlier - fake a breakup and move on.

BF: Wait, did we just give actual advice?

EW: No. We just gave a steaming pile of fox dung that we decided to call advice. We're done with this question.

VB: So does this mean Mistystar and Squirrelstar can fuck?


End file.
